FECKLESS OFFERS LIFE INSURANCE POLICY TO NOVEMBER TURKEYS

"What's up with this new insurance plan for America's turkeys, Feckless?" asked Pre-Approved Cat, wanted in 36 states for inside trading and financial fraud.

"Right at noon on Thanksgiving Day, I approach all the turkeys that did not get a pardon and offer them a cool life insurance plan. There are only one or two conditions," said Feckless Cat, wanted in 14 countries for money laundering.

"What requirements?" asked a confused Pre-Approved Cat.

"One, they are able to name me, Feckless the Cat, as a beneficiary in the very unlikely case they do not live to collect; two, they are residents of a USDA-approved poultry farm; three, they do not produce a birth certificate and do not try to collect until after November of 2056. No premium if they sign up today by noon, either."

"Oh, okay. Seems fair and square. Good contract, Feckless. Very humane."

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FECKLESS CAT SELLS NEW CHILEAN SKIN CREME

Feckless the Cat, wanted in 26 countries for fraud, international theft and bank robbery, decided to make more cash on recent mishaps in Chile. He excitedly told his loyal, criminal companion, Pre-Approved Cat, all the details.

"I got a guy just out of a Mexican prison to do the ads for me on late-night television. We'll make millions!" said Feckless Cat.

"How are these ads running?" asked Pre-Approved Cat, on the run this time for selling phony stocks to various U.S. hedge funds.

"Cat comes on and says, 'I thought my life was over. But then, emerging from the collapsed mine, I opened my weak eyes and saw my wife. She had a new glow I'd never before seen. I ran to her with love and devotion! What beauty was this! Then, she whispered into my unwashed ear, 'My loved one, you do not see things. You see before you the aura of a new light, the miracle of FECKLESS SKIN CREME, on sale now for just $4.39 trillion dollars at the border of Mexico and the United States.'"

"Have you tried this miracle creme, Feckless?" asked Pre-Approved skeptically. "How do you know this will sell?"

"I haven't tried it yet, but I know it will sell. We've got more than a billion Chinese women ordering now!" said Feckless. "We can't lose!"

"...any more than we already have," finished Pre-Approved.

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U.S. GOVERNMENT APPOINTS NEW CZAR FOR FOREIGN DISASTERS

"I didn't know we had such a position in the Obama administration, Hot Air. Foreign Disaster Czar? What is this nonsense?" asked Pre-Approved Cat.

"I don't know, but seems like everytime countries like Afghanistan or Pakistan need fresh waves of cash, we give it to them, then a disaster or war comes along, and Pakistanis and Afghanis forget where they put the last pile of cash we threw over. We need to get things straight over there!" said Hot Air Hamster.

"So this monkey is our accountant?" said the cat in shock.

"He's qualified as the rest of 'em," said Hot Air. "Obama says if he can stand on his head, he can darned well balance those books. Obama believes in him."

"Obama? Sure he does," the cat sighed. "You should have heard him in New York yesterday. Someone said they had a 'mosque in New York to sell him,' and he actually bought it!"

"Oh, come on!" laughed Hot Air Hamster.

"I'm telling the TRUTH!" said the cat.


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FECKLESS THE CAT SUES BRITISH PETROLEUM. "THIS CAT FOOD TASTES LIKE SHIT. SOMEONE'S GONNA PAY!"

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ELECTION SHOCK: FECKLESS CAT ELECTED DOG CATCHER IN CALIFORNIA

"Dog catcher?" asked Anvil Dog, glancing at the morning's news headlines. "Feckless Cat is our new dog catcher? I didn't know anyone was running."

"Nobody was until yesterday. It opened up again. They had to put the cat's name on the ballot in some fool way," explained Hot Air Hamster.

"Besides, the position was opening right in time for yesterday's primary election. Feckless Cat had to grab it before Jerry Brown tries for it again. He always wins. I mean, come on! Time flies. How many times have we had this Brown guy in office? We gotta have someone who knows what he's doing in Sacramento, and that's Feckless the Cat," said the hamster.

"Yeah," said Anvil Dog. "I don't need this Brown guy on my back again. He needs to run for something else this time."


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SLIP AND FALL SEA LION CAUGHT IN ARIZONA WITHOUT PAPERS, GOES BACK TO FREELOADIN' 'FRISCO

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FECKLESS CAT RELEASES STATEMENT: "I MIS-MEOWED. MEANT TO SAY 'SHORTIN' VERIZON,' NOT 'SERVED IN VIETNAM.'"

"See, when Slip and Fall Sea Lion had his little fall at the NYSE few days back, I shorted a bunch of Verizon stock, betting that Slip and Fall would work."

"The marine blob did his job, I cleaned up, and now people are all mixed up. They're thinking I claimed to serve in Vietnam. Just wanted to straighten all that out once and for all," said Feckless the Criminal Cat. "So, are we all clear on what happened in the Gulf of Mexico and the price of gold in Arizona and the German stock market now? I'd be more than happy to explain it all again in Farsi or Chinese. All on the same Greek page that way, you know?"


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PRE-APPROVED CAT VISITS CALIFORNIA WELFARE OFFICE FOR PUBLIC ASSISTANCE

"I just don't get it," said a confused Pre-Approved Cat to Feckless Cat, both of them greedy furred criminals wanted in 43 states for various identity theft and Ponzi scams.

"Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...what?" asked Feckless, counting stolen credit cards to himself.

"Walked into the California Welfare Office today. Guy wouldn't take my money."

"Just can't help some folks," said Feckless.


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EVEN FECKLESS THE CAT REJECTS "CLEARANCE SALE" JOB FOR BP's SO-CALLED GULF COAST "2010 SHRIMPIN' ACTION" GOING-OUT-OF-BIZ 75% OFF RACK....OR WHATEVER

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SUB-PRIME PIGEON ACCEPTS NEW JOB AS MORTGAGE APPLICATION CONSULTANT AT FANNIE MAE, FREDDIE MAC, BERNIE MADE-OFF WITH YOUR STOCKS AND BONDS AND SAVINGS MAC, BIG DEBT MAC, AFFORDABLE SLUM SHACK ON WHAT'S LEFT OF THE MAY 11, 2010 GULF COAST MAC....

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HOT AIR HAMSTER UPDATES MIRANDA FOR NEW YORK'S COPS

Hot Air Hamster finished his writing work. He slid the paper to Feckless the Criminal Cat, who read the revised words out loud.

You have the right to remain silent WHILE WE FINISH TAPING YOUR MOUTH. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law IN SOME RUSSIAN PRISON CAMP. You have the right to an attorney BUT -- HA HA -- I WOULDN'T BOTHER AT THIS POINT, FOOL. If you cannot afford an attorney WHO GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL LAST WEEK IN NORTH KOREA OR CUBA OR AT FAST EDDIE'S LAS VEGAS CORRESPONDENCE COURSE, one will be appointed to you WHEN WE DAMNED WELL GET AROUND TO IT. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you OR DO YOU NEED FURTHER CONVINCING THAT YOU ARE IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE AND WILL PROBABLY SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN JAIL WAITING FOR A SIMPLE COURT DATE?

"That should cover it, Hot Air. I didn't know you had a background in law," said Feckless Cat.

"Oh, I know plenty about law. Been evading it for years," said the rodent.


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SLIP AND FALL SEA LION ADMITS TO LITTLE ACCIDENT AT NYSE KEYBOARDS

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CHEF PASTE PERFORMS CULINARY MIRACLES IN NEW YORK CITY

The fragrant aroma of Cajun spices, stewing tomatoes and extra-strength toilet bowl deodorizer filled the Manhattan penthouse kitchen where Feckless the criminal cat worked alongside a relaxed, beefy Paste the Cat.

Cut the Cat, Paste’s delicate, thieving wife, napped on the counter.

All the cats were committed criminals wanted in 38 U.S. states for identity theft, counterfeiting, bank fraud, money laundering, insider trading and international tax evasion, but all that didn’t matter at the moment.

Today, they were literally cooking up new schemes. They would not dirty their brilliant paws with street crime today.

“Will you cut up those Collateralized Debt Obligations, Sweetheart,” purred Paste sweetly to Cut, his long-time thug spouse.

“Sure, got plenty of them,” said Cut, yawning.

“We’re going to mix them up with a few foreclosed homes and derivatives. All goes together in taste,” said Paste, stirring the ingredients.

“Won’t the Collateralized Debts overpower other flavors?” asked Feckless. "They're all such exclusive ingredients."

“Oh, no. Blended and stir-fried, then mixed with this fine sauce, it’s a delicious Chicken Casserole,” said Paste. “Could you hand me that container?”

Cut passed a container labeled “BP Brand Sea Turtle Sauce” to Paste. Paste sprinkled the heavy, salted Gulf of Mexico crude oil into the mix.

The aroma filled the room.

“So glad the UN is letting us contribute our efforts to world peace. Gives us a chance to take a break from our usual work, get with the right people,” said Feckless. “Our Iranian guests just love this stuff. I mean, New Yorkers can be so rude to Islamic radicals sometimes, you know? I mean, they’re our guests!”




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GOLDMAN KATZ GETS NEW LEADS IN ARIZONA

Goldman Katz, still interviewing with Feckless the Cat -- both of them wanted in multiple states by now for financial fraud and I.D. theft -- sat dejected with his head in his paws.

"Where do I go? What do I do?" he meowed woefully to Feckless Cat at the head of the desk.

"Try Arizona," said Feckless Cat comfortingly. "Get there in the next day or two and you get an illegal burrito, free trip to Mexico City, truckloads of marijuana and still have time to print a couple hundred football fields of phony currency."

"How do I get back to California?" said Goldman Katz, wiping his nose.

"Greyhound," said Feckless. "Bring a girlie magazine. Gets you past all those cop outfits."

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HOT AIR HAMSTER WORKS TODAY'S CROSSWORD PUZZLE

Hot Air Hamster, master of rip-off rodents, decided it was time to relax in Golden Gate Park. He walked over to his newspaper to work a puzzle.

He crawled around at the clues:

1. ACROSS: Gated community with the latest innovations in home security.

4. DOWN: Variety of North American shark, frequently found in Atlantic waters.

"Oh, okay. I get this," said Hot Air Hamster.

He wrote JAIL for 1. ACROSS, LOAN for 4. DOWN.

"I just love these crossword puzzles," thought Hot Air to himself. "I get so many cool new ideas doing them."

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GOLDMAN CATZ APPLIES FOR JOB WITH FECKLESS AND CO.

Feckless the Cat, fraudster wanted in multiple European countries and 27 U.S. states, decided to interview job applicant Goldman Catz, an investment banking feline from New York.

"So, Goldman Kitty, tell me what you did in New York?" asked Feckless calmly, shuffling the papers of the resume in his paws.

"NOTHIN', MAN! I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN', OKAY? I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS IN MY OFFICE AND....BLAM....THERE WAS THE GODDAMNED SEC!"


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PAGE 4: OIL SPILL KITTY MEETS SLIP-AND-FALL SEAL AT NORTHWEST CURRENCY CONVENTION....

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CORRECTION: TENNESSEE HOSPITALITY WIG APOLOGIZES FOR FOOL REMARKS RE: MRS. OBAMA

....He now says he meant to type "Ahmadinejad," but sneezed, fumbled out "Obama."

Baker likened, in a recent email, the American First Lady to Tarzan's loyal friend, Cheetah.

"I've been a thoughtless fool," said Mr. Baker, his chin lowered in guilt.

"Everyone knows Iran's leader learned statecraft while studying those old Tarzan movies. I've also had to issue several apologies to Cheetah. Of course, Cheetah's been acting as a trusted advisor to the Iranian leader for years now. He's starting to want more credit for his diplomatic talent."


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FECKLESS' GREETING CARD GOES TO PRESS: "I AM SO SORRY..."

"We're getting into the apology card biz?" Pre-Approved Cat asked Feckless Cat.

He opened it to read the rest.

"...we ever met."

"Who's gonna buy this nonsense?" asked Pre-Approved Cat.

"Various customers of U.S. banks, Hedge Funds and Insurance Companies. Presses'll be rolling," said Feckless Cat.

"Okay," Pre-Approved Cat conceded. "Just make sure to print a few in Greek and Spanish."

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SUB-PRIME PIGEON LEAVES DAVOS IN DISGRACE

Sub-Prime Pigeon sat in a Financial District back alley of San Francisco unfed, unloved. Feckless the Cat listened to his awful story.

"A few meetings back, we were all bankers in the same boat, real friendly. I couldn't churn out contracts quickly enough," said Sub-Prime Pigeon. "What happened at Davos? I can't make sense of it."

"Got friendly with fools, Sub-Prime. We won't make that same mistake in 2010, eh?" answered Feckless Cat.



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