Saturday, November 28, 2009

Feckless Fluffs American Currency Reserves in Washington with Greedy Claws





Photo of unidentified cat, 2008.


After seeing the piles of stolen credit cards Pre-Approved Cat had managed to lift from San Francisco's finest restaurants, Feckless Cat just had to up-claw more cash somewhere, then brag about it to Pre-Approved Cat.

Both were criminals with no morals, decency or legal standards to their fur, but even in the criminal cat world, talent counted for something.

"How did you get into the White House, Feckless? I would think the cash up there is well guarded," said Pre-Approved Cat in stunned admiration.

"I got right through those Secret Service clowns with my maid outfit," said Feckless Cat. "Once in, I pretended to puff the pillows around bedtime for the elite. Remove flecks of dust from those fancy rugs with my paws. Everyone was pleased."

"Okay, but where'd you find all the money?" asked Pre-Approved.

"Under the mattresses...errr...I mean, in the Federal Reserve," said the criminal cat.




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PRE-APPROVED CAT LIFTS CREDIT AT ALL THE RIGHT TABLES IN SAN FRANCISCO



"PRE-APPROVED CAT...at your service"



It was one of the most exclusive dining clubs in San Francisco's Financial District.

"Even famed bankers need reservations two weeks in advance for Bix on Gold Street," Feckless the Cat said while counting laundered money one day.

But Pre-Approved Cat, San Francisco's most wanted financial criminal, was playing the tables Saturday night like only he could.

Pre-Approved, wearing a white apron, approached a couple of suited bankers eating a sauced, seared tuna.

"May I take your card, gentlemen?" said Pre-Approved.

"Yes, please," said one of the men.

That's all there was too it. Pre-Approved Cat wandered from club to club, restaurant to restaurant, hotel to hotel behind servers in wait staff attire, getting permission to take credit cards. Theft was never so easy for Pre-Approved Cat.

The glitzy tag seemed to help, of course. "PRE-APPROVED CAT...at your service."


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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Obama Gets Helpful Fortune Cookie from President Hu Jintao






Cat from SF SPCA website, cats for adoption area; Photo of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from Creative Commons Attribrution on Wikipedia.


U.S. President Barak Obama loved his trip to China in November of 2009.

"While touring The Great Wall with excited Chinese reporters following, the American president finally opened his gift from Chinese President Jintao, who was worried about the U.S. currency," Feckless Criminal Cat said to Pre-Approved Crime Cat while counting phony money in a back alley.

"What gift? New suit or something?" Pre-Approved Cat answered, glancing at Feckless from his own pile of stolen cash.

"It was a fortune cookie. The president smiled, opened it and cheerfully popped some of the snack into his mouth. He paused to read the text inside the cookie to anxious reporters," said Feckless Cat, who'd spied on the whole episode while abroad.

"What did it say?" asked Pre-Approved.

"'Confucius warn: Ah-ma-DOLLAR-jad play checkers alone.'" Feckless answered.


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Friday, November 13, 2009

FECKLESS' SF CAT CHARITY SCAM NETS MILLIONS






Photo of cow on road, 2008; Changa the cat at SF SPCA site up for adoption Nov 13 2009



WANTED
FECKLESS THE CAT
DEAD OR ALIVE

Suspect in attack on Acme Construction Crew. Short white hair, beady eyes which swing right and left looking for new victims, prominent black spot shaped like free-range chicken with grenade. Cat tag reads “JUSTICE” and depicts fish in full-body cast. Walks in misaligned fashion, assumed to be result of bulldozer “accident” after he refused to move aside.

REWARD !!!
City Hall kickbacks
Free plane tickets
Best of all…..

Early Bird Special:

Act now and get exclusive, European, fine, aged, high-end, special formula, luxury, glitzy

ALL-AMERICAN BEEF CAT FOOD

And

EASY, PART-TIME JOBS WITH BIG EXPENSE ACCOUNTS

ALL MANAGED BY CITY’S
TAKE-NO-ACCOUNTS OFFICE

(360) 752-6581
Ask for Dart de Feline

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$


The Charity Drive with Feckless the Cat
February 15, 2009



Chapter One


I had a dog. He ran away from home one day and I couldn’t believe the story that eventually got back to me about what he saw during his errant trip to San Francisco, and how he survived….

It was called the North American Society for Poor and Homeless Kitties. It was Feckless’ front organization, and a darned reliable slot machine; Cash just about got up on its own and ran toward kitties in distress.

A large part of the proceeds actually did go to cats of underprivileged breeds in the gutter – the organization had to look well at accounting time – but history books were seldom written on outfits like this, and read half often as that. Feckless knew it, and acted toward his goal diligently, all the while purring happily like any other cat.

Whenever the organization made shopping mall fund drives, Feckless made certain that only the most dramatic cases were featured of cats that had been pierced, crucified, drawn and quartered, stampeded by packs of wolves, then dragged screaming for help behind old Chevy pick ups on remote country roads as cows in surrounding pastures stared aloofly, watching everything, witnessing nothing.

As any attorney will tell you in a court of law, of course, watching and witnessing is not the same thing.

Other victims had been pummeled, gagged, stretched, and then made to wear clown outfits in front of other cats while being forced to perform humiliating cat tricks.


So, one breezy afternoon outside the garden entrance of a mall in an affluent town, five pitiful cats sat in cages with kibbles and water and plush fleece blankets. Each creature was a portrait of utter destitution.

There was an assortment of cages. Cage one had a cat with one horribly disfigured eye into which some unidentified, hideous assailant at a beach bonfire beer bash had shoved a burning stick. The fact that he stammered and panted for everyone gave him the gasps of all spectators – and like the tourists to Alcatraz in San Francisco, the crowd somehow always had tickets.


Cage five was the most unbearable sight of all. To understand this cat’s situation, according to the story posted atop the cage, one had to go back one month to the inferno which consumed a single family home on Main Street – the little house with the humble, white picket fence and little bed of red tulips. The brave kitty had entered the horrifying blaze to catch the only remaining occupant of the home – SamPox, the family kitty.

Yes, to the delight of the children, the kitty was saved from the very tongue of torture that fateful day, but the brave cat emerged surrounded by the grasping flames of agony. Even his tail was burning like a blowtorch. He chased his tail uselessly, over and over, round and round, trying to reach the site of the fire, which only made the flames more violent and ferocious.

A vengeful pack of stray dogs made it worse, egging him on from the next yard.

“Keep running! You’re almost there!”

And here the poor feline stood now through the blurry eyes of major contributors: A naked twig on Medical Marijuana – the only pain killer he could obtain in unlimited quantities in this town with the crappy insurance he supposedly had.

Oh, the misery in this world! Oh, the godless and unthinkable future!

Feckless looked at the five cages and felt his eyes water…with happiness! He was making more loot than he ever imagined. Ha! When people feel guilt, they pay, and pay big.

Oh, the mountains of cash! God Bless America! God Bless Jimmy Stewart! It’s a wonderful life, indeed! -- end --

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