Friday, December 28, 2012
Yes, with Washington state's voters approving new marijuana laws, Feckless the Criminal Cat was happy. Why? [Start theme song here...]
Theme Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhSYbRiYwTY
The intoxicating weed was still against federal law, so Evergreen State dope dealers could not simply set up shop and then open a bank account for their profits. The dealers had to figure a way to launder their considerable cannabis capo capital.
But help was now here. Feckless Cat -- criminal cat wanted in 35 states for identity theft, insider trading and fraud -- decided to give all his rain-soaked friends a helping paw. The key was to "help sick kids" by setting up an amusement park or two to launder that cash, and then -- brilliantly -- make even more cash by "shorting" the American Fiscal Cliff and Debt Ceiling Funds Fiasco. He wrote his plan down in his secret book:
BELLINGHAM'S FISCAL CLIFF FUN PARK
* All Chinese Citizens: FREE ADMISSION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!
* Fast n' East Swimming Lessons for Grandma....
Note: People called it the "Evergreen State," but for Feckless Cat, the motto had more than one meaning.
Here were the theme park's attractions, still on the drawing board:
-- Feckless Film Room. Night of the Living Dead 2013. In this remake, the black guy comes back to life as a gay zombie, marries another gay zombie in Seattle, and spends rest of film exploring the wonders of zombie dope.
-- World's Worst Prisons Tunnel Ride for those who wondered about the life awaiting most of the world's other mafia-loving mugs:...Diyarbakir Prison in Turkey, where thousands of teens are now political prisoners... Evin Prison in Iran, where most die fast but you can watch the live action...Mendoza Prison in Argentina, Torture, Overcrowding. See now why San Francisco's Alcatraz was considered a luxury hotel in some parts of the world in 1932 and still draws thousands of tourists each year... LaSante Prison in Southwest Paris, revisit the French Criminal Justice system of 1867. See our re-enactments of public executions with guillotines on the streets of Paris as pedestrians passed by laughing....Black Beach Prison In Milabo, Equatorial Guinea, considered Africa's worst prison. Inmates are starved, shackled and tortured...Tadmor Military Prison in Syria where medievil methods of torture are still used...Carandiru Penitentiary in Brazil, If you have surgery, forget the anaesthetics...La Sabeneta Prison, Venezuela, where there is one corrupt guard for each 150 inmates...Nairobi Prison in Kenya, where inmates serve their time butt-naked and catch illnesses for which there is no known treatment....More, more, more fun than you ever knew you could have between state and federal law enforcement!! To gain entrance, you use legitimate currency, counterfeit concert tickets or stolen passports, then get your change at exit gate, if you ever reach it.
-- See Feckless Magic Shows featuring all our favorite lawmakers. Added bonus: See the biggest reality show in history as America runs clean out of cash! Learn the history of economics while re-creating the Vaulted Debt Ceilings so popular and pretty in early 1929 America!
-- Greased debt slides for kids and legislators. At bottom, they have loads of fun cleaning Chinese toilets at minimum wage, thus pay their way out for real this time. No bothersome debt ceilings here. For the first time in your life, get the relief you need in every way medically and fiscally imaginable.
-- Feckless Ferris Wheel. No entrance fee. Rider pays with everyday U.S. currency, money orders or high-end gift cards at our wheel's top which is 500-feet high. At our heavily-guarded exit gate, you get our -- which is now your -- crisp, clean cash back from our park cashiers.
-- See the Future!! See the next era's American I.R.S. run by Crips, Bloods and a variety of Mexico's most bloodthirsty drug dealers.
-- Visit the Feckless Park Store and find items you never knew existed at discounts that will stun the world. Machine guns for Detroit's mentally-disabled parolees, 50 percent off this week only....Meditation tents for Impending Train Wreck Fans...Sleeping Pills for the Dead. Get them before it's too late...Bumper stickers for the Undocumented: WAIT! I'LL PAY!!...Currency Corner where you can get the new Feckless Franc, designed like American currency, at that day's accurate exchange rates...
EDITING IN PROGRESS....
Jan 21, 2013 3:02 p.m.
by Lurene Gisee
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