Thursday, April 16, 2009
Hot Air Hamster, the elderly loan officer, was a noted specialist in small print. He put his small glasses over his brown, hamster fur.
In his San Francisco office alongside him was Feckless Cat, Pre-Approved Cat, Cut Cat, Paste Cat and Anvil the Dog. Hot Air Hamster would now read the large and small print of the loan document for customer Anvil Dog, the unknowing financial victim.
The large print was the friendly part of the loan document, of course. Very easy to understand for all in the room. Even Anvil, who had an I.Q. of "1," if that even.
WELCOME TO BANK OF THE NEXT GUY. HERE IS A SUMMARY FOR YOU, OUR VALUED CUSTOMER, OF YOUR NEW FINANCIAL PRODUCT.....
When you sign this document, you will owe the international financial community a large amount of money for several hundred decades. That means you, your kids, their kids, all their illegitimate kids, those kids, their dogs, and the great, great grandkids of all their dumb kids. That is not just for this loan, either. Oh, no! Consider the interest included not only with today's loan you will use to buy that beat-up slum shack in town, but the echo of debts which will be created by your signature that is about to be scribbled here today by your pathetic paw, including, but not limited to, the faint sound of millions of fees, derivatives, Ponzi schemes, dark pools, hedge funds, insurance contracts and reinsurance contracts for and by foreign firms you've never heard of and may not even exist according to this assigned debtor, but may claim to exist, speciously, on documents written in foreign languages which do not include English, French, German, Italian, Russian, Hindu, Hebrew, Spanish, and/or Arabic after some time last week, but not before February 15, 1635. Additionally, in the case of an unforseen fire, flood, act of God, hurricane, tornado, landslide, riot, famine, mudslide, botched election, series of elections or alleged botched elections in Madagascar, or uninsured magnitude 2.1 earthquake in Los Angeles, you will STILL pay and pay and pay and pay and.....
SO, WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME TODAY. YOU'RE A GOOD DOG. WE LOVE YOU.
SIGN HERE: x_______________________
-- END --
by lurene gisee April 16, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
"Oh, did you see this, dear? President Obama and his family finally took a dog? He said the dog could symbolize the goals of the new administration," said Cut the criminal cat to Paste the criminal cat. They were going through the morning papers.
"Dog, eh? Gift from Kennedy, isn't he? What are they calling him?" answered Paste, scanning a redundant riot story.
Paste's head shook slowly. "Fancy dog haircut. I know the type."
"No, sweety. No. Bo is B.O. The initials for the administration's larger plan for the economy," said Cut.
"Plan? What plan, Cut?"
"Buy Out, Paste. B.O."
"Oh, that's right. Why didn't I think of it?"
"Don't have to think," said Cut. "You own. They'll remind you tomorrow, too," said Cut, glancing at the date in claw.
- 30 -
by lurene gisee april 14, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
"Things are getting bad, Feckless. Really bad. I don't know if all this theft is worth the trouble," said Pre-Approved, the criminal cat.
They were leaving London and now on a plane back to San Francisco. They were going to launder their stolen cash.
"Why's that?" said Feckless, the feline thief. "Are you having doubts about double-dealing and international crime?"
"Well, I stopped by a Hamas charity office in London before we got to the airport. I tried to unload a good pile of stolen cash. No questions, right? Wrong. Terrorist ran a credit check on me!"
-- by lurene gisee april 8, 2009 --
Thursday, April 2, 2009
FECKLESS REVEALS TRUE IDENTITY TO PRE-APPROVED IN LONDON WHILE BILKING INNOCENT, UNSUSPECTING BANKS OF TRILLIONS AND TRILLIONS MORE....
Now inside the cash room of the world famous bank inside The City of London, Pre-Approved asked Feckless the question he had always been too afraid to ask.
"Hey, Feckless, how did you get your name? As we sit here and pack this laundry bag with trillions and trillions more in stolen cash, deeds, bonds, derivatives and securities, I can't help wondering how you got your name?
"If you were actually feckless, it would imply you have no real effect on anything or anyone in your life," said Pre-Approved, stuffing cash firmly into the tattered bag.
"Yes, Pre-Approved. That's a clever question. Answer is this: I'm not a cat. This is a cat costume. So the name makes sense, but only if you know my true identity," said Feckless, sliding a new money bag toward Pre-Approved.
"What costume? Who am I with today?" said Pre-Approved, pausing from his theft to await Feckless' answer.
Feckless ripped fur right then and there. Now standing before Pre-Approved was the real Feckless, Pre-Approved's real partner for worldwide financial theft.
Pre-Approved stood in amazement, meowless.
"You're a dollar bill. Nothing but an old, U.S. dollar."
"That's right, Pre-Approved. American currency; a shoddy little slab of 21st Century debt. Does the name Feckless make sense to you now as we stand here in the great City of London amid the wreckage, riots and worldwide misery?"
"Yep," said Pre-Approved, going back to packing his pile of stolen currency. "Feckless is feckless and Feckless is he! Feckless for all! Long Live Feckless!"
-- April 2, 2009 lurene gisee 360-752-6581 --
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
It was April 1, 2009, a big day for wealth in London.
Big day for feline thieves Feckless and Pre-Approved, too.
The streets of London went insane with G-20 protests. Anarchists, Anti-Capitalists. Proud upholders of fringe ideologies from everywhere in Europe, the United States and the developing world.
One guy, dressed as Easter Bunny, was stopped trying to enter a well-known bank.
"I've seen that costume before," said the security guard. "You're no bunny. You're a thug if I've ever seen one. Be off with ya!!"
"Bunny" walked off with his head down, ashamed of capitalism.
Feckless and Pre-Approved walked toward the bank next.
"I've seen that costume before," said the guard. "You two aren't cats. You're thugs. Be off with ya!!"
"Sir, we are cats. Real cats. If you don't believe us, give us a security pat."
Feckless and Pre-Approved stood up on their hind paws, their front paws raised, for the police search; a rare gesture of surrender and obedience for these cats. The guard ran his hand over Feckless and Pre-Approved.
"Oh, look at that. Just cats there. Go on ahead, then," said the fully-armed officer.
Feckless and Pre-Approved walked into the bank.
"Let's rip off that cash and split before the governments of the world get to it," said Pre-Approved.
"Yeah," said Feckless, trotting proudly. "At least with us ripping it off, investors will know what happened."
-- end --