Thursday, May 28, 2009
Cut the Cat, loving wife of Paste the Cat, thought she was secure in her relationship. It's not that they genuinely loved one another -- each loathed the other -- but they acted the part and ripped off millions from unsuspecting victims. Why claw good profits?
One day, Cut and Paste Cats were behind an abandoned building South of Market in San Francisco. Nothing special. Just reworking a few mortgage contracts to their benefit.
Cut lifted her head. She heard delicate paws walking.
A gray, sneaky-looking cat now stood before them. The cat was female.
"Hi," she purred, looking at Paste. "They call me No Money Down. Need a lift with your finances, Cat-ee Pie?"
Paste stood transfixed at his new opportunity's shining fur.
Cut stood helpless, insulted. She'd never understood the word "Interest Rate" until now in this dirty, shame-filled back alley of San Francisco.
by lurene gisee
cat up for adoption on Craig's List, May 28, 2009
Feckless and Pre-Approved set themselves down to rest in their favorite dark alley in San Francisco's Financial District.
"Why are you so quiet tonight, Pre-Approved?" Feckless the Cat asked.
"Just remembering simpler times for thieves like us. In better days, if I wanted to steal a toy or a wallet, it was just a matter of clawing it over. Now, to make a profit, I have to scam insurance, take options, view futures tables, have some kind of credit or have false ID of someone who does, understand currencies around the world, bank security cameras....I...I don't know, Feckless. I liked being a regular, corrupt cat before...."
Feckless licked his right paw. "Yeah, but it's a minimum wage job now. Times have changed, but some things are same ol'. There's only one eternal rule of robbery, Pre-Approved: RUN FAST WHEN IT GETS TOO GOOD."
by lurene gisee
photo from SFSPCA Pet adoptions for May 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Cut and her husband Paste, both Criminal Cats, roamed Van Ness late one evening looking for new opportunities. They needed to launder their counterfeit cash.
Paste stopped with a jerk. “Look! There’s a sports bar with all kinds of smokers at the door. Let’s go in,” he said to his wife.
“What?” said Cut. “I thought we were going to find a couple drug dealers near City Hall?”
“No, no, no! After that last election, gambling, smoking and beer are the only tax revenue California can count on!” said Paste. “Drugs are illegal!”
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Feckless and Pre-Approved, the thieving cats, were at the 24-hour money laundry in downtown Sacramento, California. It was a nice, quiet, well-run shack in the shade.
They were there to sanitize currencies they ripped off in Europe. It was something they knew like the back of their scheming paws, Anvil the dog sometimes said between happy canine pants.
Pre-Approved Cat stepped up to the counter. Hot Air Hamster was working the desk today.
"Hey, Hot Air! I think we'll start with these hundreds and thousands from France. Let's clean them up, get a couple hundred thousand American bills, okay? Oh, and throw in a few forged municipal bonds and fancy hotel receipts from Los Angeles, will ya?"
"No problem, Pre-Approved. We've got a couple new contractors in today for the work. Dross, Spoke and Bludge Cats are here. They tend to like working Sacramento and Washington D.C., you know. Work picks up around mid-April, I guess. Especially for Bludge," said Hot Air Hamster, counting a pile of thousands. "Sure you wouldn't like some Mexican Pesos with that?"
Feckless the Cat stepped up aside Pre-Approved.
"Maybe next week, Hot Air. That flu bug's got security at the border. Real cops this time," said the cat.
"Oh, I forgot about that. Okay, dollars it is, then. Need some offshore receipts so you can pretend to have paid for things, couple foreclosed homes or something?"
"Yeah, okay. I heard about some cat food conglomerate meeting in the Cayman Islands last week," said Feckless, PUTTING his usual web of lies to market.
"Hey Dross," yelled Hot Air. "Fetch Spoke and Bludge Cats. Got customers!"
Dross and Bludge Cats jumped off their ledges in the back room to approach the counter. There was a silence as they all waited for the last, criminal cat.
"Hold on, hold on. I'm coming," said Spoke, trotting up to the kitty coven of fraud, out of breath. "Been a busy week in Sacramento for me."
"I know, Spoke. You're one of the busiest cats in California," said Bludge. "Nothing works without you standing there."
"You neither, Bludge. Okay, need a couple of phony cop outfits thrown in with that today, Feckless?" asked Dross. "We've got 'em half-off on Wall Street. We're extending the offer another few weeks for Sacramento. California Special. They're hot as, like, illegal weapons in Oakland."
Feckless paused, looking at Pre-Approved. Pre-Approved closed his eyes and swept his elegant, criminal tail over the floor. Feckless turned his head back to Dross the Cat, Hot Air Hamster, and nodded.
"Sure, why not? Phony cop outfits're like passports," said Pre-Approved. "But let's move on this, huh? We need to be back in San Francisco by dinnertime."
-- end --
May 14, 2009
lurene gisee (360) 752-6581
Sunday, May 3, 2009
…One day the clever cats, Feckless and Pre-Approved, stood peacefully and philosophically by the…err…bank of Paris’ great river.
Feckless tilted his furred head and quietly spoke.
“As I watch this lovely water flow past us, I think of that ancient philosopher who said the creature who waits for the river's water to stop flowing so he can cross is wasting his time, and therefore his humble life.”
The cats, Feckless and Pre-Approved, stood quietly for about thirty seconds, contemplating their lives.
“Yes, Feckless. Wasting time, indeed. I see something flowing, too.”
Feckless shifted his weight. “What’s that, Pre-Approved?”
“France’s money. Hand me that bucket,” said the cheating cat. “By the time I’m done, all of France will cry my name!!”
Shopping for a modern domain name? How about blackholeeconomics?
write lurene gisee at lurenekathleen yahoo dot com