SLIP AND FALL SEA LION CAUGHT IN ARIZONA WITHOUT PAPERS, GOES BACK TO FREELOADIN' 'FRISCO

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FECKLESS CAT RELEASES STATEMENT: "I MIS-MEOWED. MEANT TO SAY 'SHORTIN' VERIZON,' NOT 'SERVED IN VIETNAM.'"

"See, when Slip and Fall Sea Lion had his little fall at the NYSE few days back, I shorted a bunch of Verizon stock, betting that Slip and Fall would work."

"The marine blob did his job, I cleaned up, and now people are all mixed up. They're thinking I claimed to serve in Vietnam. Just wanted to straighten all that out once and for all," said Feckless the Criminal Cat. "So, are we all clear on what happened in the Gulf of Mexico and the price of gold in Arizona and the German stock market now? I'd be more than happy to explain it all again in Farsi or Chinese. All on the same Greek page that way, you know?"


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PRE-APPROVED CAT VISITS CALIFORNIA WELFARE OFFICE FOR PUBLIC ASSISTANCE

"I just don't get it," said a confused Pre-Approved Cat to Feckless Cat, both of them greedy furred criminals wanted in 43 states for various identity theft and Ponzi scams.

"Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...what?" asked Feckless, counting stolen credit cards to himself.

"Walked into the California Welfare Office today. Guy wouldn't take my money."

"Just can't help some folks," said Feckless.


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EVEN FECKLESS THE CAT REJECTS "CLEARANCE SALE" JOB FOR BP's SO-CALLED GULF COAST "2010 SHRIMPIN' ACTION" GOING-OUT-OF-BIZ 75% OFF RACK....OR WHATEVER

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SUB-PRIME PIGEON ACCEPTS NEW JOB AS MORTGAGE APPLICATION CONSULTANT AT FANNIE MAE, FREDDIE MAC, BERNIE MADE-OFF WITH YOUR STOCKS AND BONDS AND SAVINGS MAC, BIG DEBT MAC, AFFORDABLE SLUM SHACK ON WHAT'S LEFT OF THE MAY 11, 2010 GULF COAST MAC....

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HOT AIR HAMSTER UPDATES MIRANDA FOR NEW YORK'S COPS

Hot Air Hamster finished his writing work. He slid the paper to Feckless the Criminal Cat, who read the revised words out loud.

You have the right to remain silent WHILE WE FINISH TAPING YOUR MOUTH. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law IN SOME RUSSIAN PRISON CAMP. You have the right to an attorney BUT -- HA HA -- I WOULDN'T BOTHER AT THIS POINT, FOOL. If you cannot afford an attorney WHO GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL LAST WEEK IN NORTH KOREA OR CUBA OR AT FAST EDDIE'S LAS VEGAS CORRESPONDENCE COURSE, one will be appointed to you WHEN WE DAMNED WELL GET AROUND TO IT. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you OR DO YOU NEED FURTHER CONVINCING THAT YOU ARE IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE AND WILL PROBABLY SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN JAIL WAITING FOR A SIMPLE COURT DATE?

"That should cover it, Hot Air. I didn't know you had a background in law," said Feckless Cat.

"Oh, I know plenty about law. Been evading it for years," said the rodent.


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SLIP AND FALL SEA LION ADMITS TO LITTLE ACCIDENT AT NYSE KEYBOARDS

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CHEF PASTE PERFORMS CULINARY MIRACLES IN NEW YORK CITY

The fragrant aroma of Cajun spices, stewing tomatoes and extra-strength toilet bowl deodorizer filled the Manhattan penthouse kitchen where Feckless the criminal cat worked alongside a relaxed, beefy Paste the Cat.

Cut the Cat, Paste’s delicate, thieving wife, napped on the counter.

All the cats were committed criminals wanted in 38 U.S. states for identity theft, counterfeiting, bank fraud, money laundering, insider trading and international tax evasion, but all that didn’t matter at the moment.

Today, they were literally cooking up new schemes. They would not dirty their brilliant paws with street crime today.

“Will you cut up those Collateralized Debt Obligations, Sweetheart,” purred Paste sweetly to Cut, his long-time thug spouse.

“Sure, got plenty of them,” said Cut, yawning.

“We’re going to mix them up with a few foreclosed homes and derivatives. All goes together in taste,” said Paste, stirring the ingredients.

“Won’t the Collateralized Debts overpower other flavors?” asked Feckless. "They're all such exclusive ingredients."

“Oh, no. Blended and stir-fried, then mixed with this fine sauce, it’s a delicious Chicken Casserole,” said Paste. “Could you hand me that container?”

Cut passed a container labeled “BP Brand Sea Turtle Sauce” to Paste. Paste sprinkled the heavy, salted Gulf of Mexico crude oil into the mix.

The aroma filled the room.

“So glad the UN is letting us contribute our efforts to world peace. Gives us a chance to take a break from our usual work, get with the right people,” said Feckless. “Our Iranian guests just love this stuff. I mean, New Yorkers can be so rude to Islamic radicals sometimes, you know? I mean, they’re our guests!”




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