Friday, July 29, 2011
Pre-Approved Cat, wanted on 3 continents for theft, fraudulent trading and loan sharking, tilted his head in wonder. What was taking Feckless Cat, his criminal feline mentor, so long at the litter box?
Finally, Feckless Cat sauntered into view again. "What were you burying in there today, Feckless? A couple of foreclosed homes or something?"
"No, no, of course not. It was the full faith and credit of the United States," said Feckless, licking his right claw. "Just can't trust our elected officials for this kind of work anymore."
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Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Anvil Dog, who had an IQ of 1, if that even, decided to accept the Seattle School District's job offer and teach math to the city's 5th grade kids. He wanted a post as English teacher, but administrators wisely concluded he was obviously better at math than English; Anvil kept bragging that he was qualified because knew how to pronounce "ruff, ruff" in Russian.
Here were some of his problems that would be on blackboard for first day of class:
Q: If Ms. Jones makes $1,400 per week teaching American history, Mr. Smith makes twice that amount per week teaching art, and Mrs. Carter makes three times the sum Ms. Jones earns, but only twice weekly, how much did Seattle's School District pay their attorneys last May?
Q: If the Seattle lumber mill cut one tree into 4 sections of equal length, and that tree was 20 feet long, how much money did Ms. Jones deposit in her bank account last Wednesday, and on which of the Cayman Islands?
This question for our top math students:
Q: If Mr. Smith makes $40 per hour as a physics and inside trading instructor, what does he get per hour after Seattle contract negotiations if 7,956 toothpicks were divided by .694 cans of beer in Fargo, North Dakota in January of 2004 after he buys a lot of stock for phony cat food companies in Mexico?
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"I've seen the world, am worn out," said OilSpill Cat. "I had to get a new job."
"I can see that, OilSpill. You're all over the world's commodity markets this morning," Feckless Cat answered his cousin with a frown. "But you could have tipped us off this time. We could'a been killin' a lot more than Gulf birds and fish this time, fool."
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Feckless the Cat, criminal wanted in 22 countries for price fixing and international trade schemes, was on Fillmore Street in San Francisco's Pacific Heights neighborhood getting his weekly pedipawcure.
Anvil Dog, his fool accomplice in crime, sauntered into the swanky cat salon with pack of phony passports, stolen currency and gold bars. "Here you go, Feckless. Just as you ordered. Want to take a look?"
"Here? You want to get caught or something? All kinds of pedestrians out on Sundays that'll see us. I think sometimes you were born yesterday, dog."
"I won't take insults like that, Feckless. Take that back!"
"Okay, I am sorry. When were you born?"
Anvil raised his furry chin with pride. "Late last week."
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Feckless and Pre-Approved Cats, wanted in 26 states for currency fraud and retail theft, decided to manufacture a new brand of canned cat food. Named D.C. CAT, it was supposed to be suited for today's modern cat, whatever his family's income. It appeared on New York store shelves May 16, 2011.
"What's the first variety, Pre-Approved? The one for wealthier felines?" asked Feckless, licking his right paw.
"Savory Salmon Blend," answered Pre-Approved Cat. "Ingredients of fresh, Washington State salmon, vitamins, and fur-enhancing cremes from Northern Europe."
"How about the slightly cheaper variety?"
"Yummy sardines, chicken, canola oils."
"What about the cheap stuff? I am not sure it will sell in some markets," Feckless remarked bluntly.
"Doesn't matter if it will sell. It's gonna be only choice for a lot of cats next week. Ingredients in Chinese for this one. Label reads, 'At this price, your guess as good as mine.'"
"Who buys this crap?" asked Feckless. "What's D.C. CAT stand for?"
"DEBT CEILING CAT. Getting real popular with Democrats right off," answered Pre-Approved.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Hot Air Hamster, wanted in 68 countries for insider trading, decided to use some of his loot one evening to treat his criminal cat friends to a nice dinner in San Francisco's Financial District.
"This is so thoughtful of you, Hot Air," said Cut the Cat. "Even though we all have plenty of cash through our illegal schemes, it's thoughtful of you to spare a couple of bucks for our sakes."
"I presume you're discussing the deer we're eating tonight," said Hot Air. "American money isn't worth the effort of theft anymore, far as I'm concerned."
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Feckless Cat decided to contribute to the stability of various Mideast countries by manufacturing large-type election results that most people at the United Nations could read.
Now, SYRIAN strongmen like Assad could see results of recent elections on convenient flash cards like these provided by the region's familiar thugs:
GET A REAL-ASS JOB
DESPOTISM IS NO LONGER YOUR OCCUPATION
GO HOME TO YOUR PATHETIC WIFE AND KIDS BEFORE THEY'RE MURDERED
IMPROVE YOUR FRENCH, ASSHOLE
PRISON IS COOL
GO ON NOW; FIRING SQUADS WAY LESS PAINFUL THEN THEY WERE IN 1985 FOR YOUR DAD'S VICTIMS
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Feckless the Cat, wanted in 41 states for electoral fraud and money laundering, decided it would soon be time to do his phony taxes. That is, everyone's taxes before it was too late.
Pre-Approved Cat, his loyal companion in crime, asked Feckless what time it was.
"It's 57 days until April 15, 2011," said Feckless Cat. "We need victims. Who knows what this next budget will be about? We don't want the government getting to them first."
Need help with taxes? Schedule an interview today! Just donate $98 to Feckless Cat with convenient icon below:
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Feckless the Cat, wanted in 46 states for insider trading and aggressive panhandling, decided it was time to update his resume.
FECKLESS THE CAT
P.O. BOX 1234567-ABC
I am a good kitty. I have multiple references and a rich job history:
- I am motivated by money, money and more money.
- Any currency will do so long as it's printed in Washington D.C., Mexico City, or at that well-known pawn shop somewhere off the coast of Somalia.
- Hundreds of references, most of whom say they wish to remain unnamed because they are important, wealthy and totally honest capitalists.
- Experienced multi-tasker; I count money, plan schemes, carry out semi-legitimate financial transactions and alter international "documents" all while sleeping in the comfort of your luxury hotel room in Paris. Complete privacy guaranteed.
- To schedule an interview, just donate $98 with convenient icon below: