Still at his Chicago office, Obama and Michelle were considering a new line of candidates for First Dog.
"Oh, here we go, sweetheart. Home dog next. Let's see if he can fetch the paper."
Obama hurled the morning's newspaper midlawn. The dog seemed to study the newsprint for a few seconds.
"...FIRE ALL THOSE F-ING PEOPLE, GET 'EM THE F- OUT OF HERE AND GET US SOME EDITORIAL SUPPORT," the shocked Obamas heard from the distance.
"Michelle, I already told you we don't need a paper dog. We need a bone dog. Throw him that bone there," said Obama.
Michelle threw the bone with all her might. "Come on, boy! Good boy! Get that bone!"
Now the dog was really mad.
"I WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY. A BONE CAN BE A F-ING VALUABLE THING, YOU JUST DON'T FETCH IT FOR NOTHING...I'VE GOT THIS THING AND IT'S F-ING GOLDEN, AND, RRR, RRR, I'M JUST NOT GIVING IT UP FOR F-ING NOTHING. I'M NOT GONNA DO IT. AND, I CAN ALWAYS USE IT..." their shocked ears heard now. The president-elect turned toward his wife.
"Who trained this dog?"
"That's not the question. I mean, we just heard a dog talking," said Michelle.
"Chicago dogs talk. I always knew that. Problem is what the mutt's saying and where he's gonna say it when he gets to Washington."
"What do we do now?" Michelle asked.
"Get 'im his damned seat at the United Nations," Obama said with a sigh. "He's the only one they'll listen to, anyway."
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
OBAMA AND MICHELLE HIRE PET CONTRACTORS FOR THE WORK NOBODY ELSE WILL DO
...central control cats Cut and Paste assembled conspiracy theories with the materials for which they were named. They were the new "back door" pets for Obama and Michelle. Unseen, unheard.
"Where should we work in the next few minutes, Paste? Our usual spot is covered with ants," Cut the Cat asked with bewilderment.
"Over there where that ant colony is, Cut."
"But what about the ants, sweetheart?"
Paste slammed a cement brick atop the ant colony.
Cut looked for a moment at Paste quietly. What if the media got hold of this senseless act of aggression? Cut decided to settle it later and get back to the task in hand.
"So, where do we set all these phony news reports of train wrecks and landslides, SweetyKins??
"Put them on top of the dead bodies now under the cement brick. They go together, anyway."
Cut lifted her paw delicately and glanced lovingly at Paste. "I so underestimate your brilliance sometimes, Paste."
Yes, it was just another day of government work for Cut and Paste, said to be cats "deeply in love." In reality, however, they loathed each other. Paste snuck over to sanitize his paws every time Cut wasn't looking....
"Where should we work in the next few minutes, Paste? Our usual spot is covered with ants," Cut the Cat asked with bewilderment.
"Over there where that ant colony is, Cut."
"But what about the ants, sweetheart?"
Paste slammed a cement brick atop the ant colony.
Cut looked for a moment at Paste quietly. What if the media got hold of this senseless act of aggression? Cut decided to settle it later and get back to the task in hand.
"So, where do we set all these phony news reports of train wrecks and landslides, SweetyKins??
"Put them on top of the dead bodies now under the cement brick. They go together, anyway."
Cut lifted her paw delicately and glanced lovingly at Paste. "I so underestimate your brilliance sometimes, Paste."
Yes, it was just another day of government work for Cut and Paste, said to be cats "deeply in love." In reality, however, they loathed each other. Paste snuck over to sanitize his paws every time Cut wasn't looking....
Thursday, November 20, 2008
OBAMA TELLS A GOOD ONE IN CHICAGO....
Obama was with one of his buddies from the 'hood at his old diner.
He was determined to smoothly move into the Oval Office, but keep his roots down with trusted friends; to remember his pride, his dignity.
"Catch this one, bro'; Couple of loans walk into a bar..."
He was determined to smoothly move into the Oval Office, but keep his roots down with trusted friends; to remember his pride, his dignity.
"Catch this one, bro'; Couple of loans walk into a bar..."
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
OBAMAS HELP DECORATE CHICAGO CHRISTMAS TREE
Still dressing for their day downtown, Obama asked his wife to repeat the day's schedule of activities in the great city of Chicago.
"A variety of things today, sweetheart. Before leaving the house, just thought you'd like to know President Clinton promised to report all foreign income so you could consider his wife for a cabinet post. Did you hear?"
"Yes, sure did."
"Shouldn't we do the same? I mean, we have quite a stack of campaign finance records over there," said Michelle.
"Stack? What stack?" said Obama, waltzing over to grab the papers into his arms.
"That one with all the accounting records you're carrying," she answered.
"What accounting records?" he said, moving toward the shredder.
"THE ONES RIGHT IN YOUR ARMS. RIGHT NOW. PLAIN AS DAY," she said with her hand on her hip.
"What are you saying? Come again? I can't hear you over this gadget, dear," said Obama as he fed consecutive stacks of paper into the loud machine.
"I SAID, WE SHOULD CONSIDER REPORTING FOREIGN INCOME SOURCES TO FEDERAL AUTHORITIES LIKE THE CLINTONS ARE THIS WEEK."
Obama fed the last stack of papers into the shredder. He turned the machine off.
"Sorry...You say something about cash or whatever? We're not scheduled to meet our banker today, are we?"
"No. We're going to get started in decorating the tree downtown. But we should see the banker about those finance records of foreign contributions to be on the safe side."
"You see any foreign contribution records, sweetheart," he said, stuffing the last few shreds of paper into a large bag. "We better get this snowflake-tone tinsel downtown for that tree. You know how funny this town gets around the holidays," he said.
"Oh, I do get so distracted sometimes," said Michelle. "Those ribbons of white tinsel will look just great on this year's tree. I'm so excited!"
"A variety of things today, sweetheart. Before leaving the house, just thought you'd like to know President Clinton promised to report all foreign income so you could consider his wife for a cabinet post. Did you hear?"
"Yes, sure did."
"Shouldn't we do the same? I mean, we have quite a stack of campaign finance records over there," said Michelle.
"Stack? What stack?" said Obama, waltzing over to grab the papers into his arms.
"That one with all the accounting records you're carrying," she answered.
"What accounting records?" he said, moving toward the shredder.
"THE ONES RIGHT IN YOUR ARMS. RIGHT NOW. PLAIN AS DAY," she said with her hand on her hip.
"What are you saying? Come again? I can't hear you over this gadget, dear," said Obama as he fed consecutive stacks of paper into the loud machine.
"I SAID, WE SHOULD CONSIDER REPORTING FOREIGN INCOME SOURCES TO FEDERAL AUTHORITIES LIKE THE CLINTONS ARE THIS WEEK."
Obama fed the last stack of papers into the shredder. He turned the machine off.
"Sorry...You say something about cash or whatever? We're not scheduled to meet our banker today, are we?"
"No. We're going to get started in decorating the tree downtown. But we should see the banker about those finance records of foreign contributions to be on the safe side."
"You see any foreign contribution records, sweetheart," he said, stuffing the last few shreds of paper into a large bag. "We better get this snowflake-tone tinsel downtown for that tree. You know how funny this town gets around the holidays," he said.
"Oh, I do get so distracted sometimes," said Michelle. "Those ribbons of white tinsel will look just great on this year's tree. I'm so excited!"
OBAMA CONTEMPLATES RACIAL INSULT BY TERROR GROUP SPOKESMAN
..."So, you tellin' me the good members of Al-Qaida elected a racist fool, Michelle? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"
Michelle gently placed her hand on his in a calming gesture.
"No, no, sweetheart. We both know they don't elect fools in the Mideast. They don't elect anyone in most of it," she said.
"Oh, okay," he said with a sigh of relief. "Was damned scared for a minute."
Michelle gently placed her hand on his in a calming gesture.
"No, no, sweetheart. We both know they don't elect fools in the Mideast. They don't elect anyone in most of it," she said.
"Oh, okay," he said with a sigh of relief. "Was damned scared for a minute."
OBAMA SEES SHOCKING NEWS FROM MIDEAST
Michelle sat up straight in her chair and straightened the paper.
"Listen to this headline, dear. AL-QAIDA HONCHO HURLS RACIST REMARKS TOWARD OBAMA."
Obama hurled backward in his office chair in shock.
"No! No! It's too, too incredible!," he cried.
"Listen to this headline, dear. AL-QAIDA HONCHO HURLS RACIST REMARKS TOWARD OBAMA."
Obama hurled backward in his office chair in shock.
"No! No! It's too, too incredible!," he cried.
OBAMA CONSIDERS REPUBLICAN DOG FOR OVAL OFFICE, 2012
Obama walked in worry about the upcoming 2012 campaign. He had to show Americans he could work with Democrats and Republicans before elections.
"I need a new dog. One that will get those Republican voters."
"How's that?" asked Michelle.
"Dog of 2012 has gotta be a Republican; find that can opener, make his own damned dinner!"
by lurene gisee
Coal is the Dog 2009
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
OBAMA AND MICHELLE REVIEW LIST OF CANDIDATES FOR FIRST DOG
"Hey, sweetie, will you help me comb through this list of White House dog applicants?" said the president-elect to his wife.
"Sure, dear. Oh, this one looks good. An English Mastiff. They can get up to 200 pounds."
"On our credit? Come on."
"Who said anything about credit? He can beg in 27 languages."
"Oh! Hey! There's our dog! We might even get a post for him at the Federal Reserve. who trained him?"
"General Motors, sweetie," said Michelle, still fiddling with the thick document. "But there's more. Ford is talking about a modest Fox Terrier with lifetime gas card, Chrysler's pushing a Cocker Spaniel with a rebate -- on 3 million shares of stock!"
Obama felt a headache coming. He put his hand to his forehead. "Can't we skip those three?"
"Got a Greyhound. No perks, but real cheap. Lots to choose from. Trained in China."
"Sure, dear. Oh, this one looks good. An English Mastiff. They can get up to 200 pounds."
"On our credit? Come on."
"Who said anything about credit? He can beg in 27 languages."
"Oh! Hey! There's our dog! We might even get a post for him at the Federal Reserve. who trained him?"
"General Motors, sweetie," said Michelle, still fiddling with the thick document. "But there's more. Ford is talking about a modest Fox Terrier with lifetime gas card, Chrysler's pushing a Cocker Spaniel with a rebate -- on 3 million shares of stock!"
Obama felt a headache coming. He put his hand to his forehead. "Can't we skip those three?"
"Got a Greyhound. No perks, but real cheap. Lots to choose from. Trained in China."
Friday, November 14, 2008
NEW YORK TIMES BOOK REVIEW LISTS UPCOMING BUSH MEMOIR TO BE RELEASED LATE 2009
It was supposed to run in the famed newspaper's book section.
But the rambling political pamphlet ended up in that week's television listings with the familiar saw used for black & white reptile-mega-monster movies from the atomic-bomb obsessed 50s: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
But the rambling political pamphlet ended up in that week's television listings with the familiar saw used for black & white reptile-mega-monster movies from the atomic-bomb obsessed 50s: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
WALL STREET DECLINES, OBAMAS FORCED TO SELL OUT
Still reading the news, Michelle shook her head with worry.
"Honey, do you realize how many gun-packing fanatics are buying truckloads of weapons this very minute? They think you're selling out the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution!" said Michelle. "Where are we going?"
"To our stockbroker, man. It's time to sell, alright, but it has nothing to do with the constitution. It's like, heck, we bought a million shares of Smith & Wesson back in September!" said Obama. "Can I call the shots or not?"
"Oh, sweetheart, I do underestimate you sometimes," said Michelle.
"Honey, do you realize how many gun-packing fanatics are buying truckloads of weapons this very minute? They think you're selling out the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution!" said Michelle. "Where are we going?"
"To our stockbroker, man. It's time to sell, alright, but it has nothing to do with the constitution. It's like, heck, we bought a million shares of Smith & Wesson back in September!" said Obama. "Can I call the shots or not?"
"Oh, sweetheart, I do underestimate you sometimes," said Michelle.
MICHELLE AND OBAMA WEIGH THE SCALES OF JUSTICE FOR ABU GHRAIB
Still with their newspapers, the Obama's continued to lovingly trade ideas for a new world of true, ethnic equality.
"...but sweetheart, can we really find an unbiased, fair jury in New York to try these Abu Ghraib prisoners?" asked Michelle.
Obama patted her hand reassuringly.
"Michelle, why should we submit these poor guys to more legal stuff they can't understand in the first place, dear? No! We're a nation of tolerance and civil rights. Ethnic diversity! Respect for all peoples! We need to make our friends abroad feel truly heard in 2009, to allow a trial of these men by righteous peers."
Michelle looked confused for a spell. "San Francisco?"
Obama turned the news page.
"No, sweetie. Syria," he said.
"...but sweetheart, can we really find an unbiased, fair jury in New York to try these Abu Ghraib prisoners?" asked Michelle.
Obama patted her hand reassuringly.
"Michelle, why should we submit these poor guys to more legal stuff they can't understand in the first place, dear? No! We're a nation of tolerance and civil rights. Ethnic diversity! Respect for all peoples! We need to make our friends abroad feel truly heard in 2009, to allow a trial of these men by righteous peers."
Michelle looked confused for a spell. "San Francisco?"
Obama turned the news page.
"No, sweetie. Syria," he said.
OBAMA RETURNS TO CHICAGO TO PREPARE FOR GROWING CREDIT CRISIS
Now back in Chicago, Michelle and Obama sat with their newspapers in hand the next morning. The sound of pages turning filled the room. They paused to consider tasks for the day ahead.
Maybe a nice thank you card for George and Laura?
"How 'bout one of those pop-up foreclosure notice cards," said Michelle, spitting out her coffee in sudden, convulsive laughter.
Obama shook his head. He was not amused.
"Then what? Get an offer to refinance the White House on easy, government credit terms?"
"What credit, man?" Michelle asked.
Maybe a nice thank you card for George and Laura?
"How 'bout one of those pop-up foreclosure notice cards," said Michelle, spitting out her coffee in sudden, convulsive laughter.
Obama shook his head. He was not amused.
"Then what? Get an offer to refinance the White House on easy, government credit terms?"
"What credit, man?" Michelle asked.
Monday, November 10, 2008
PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA VISITS PRESIDENT BUSH
November 10, 2008
WASHINGTON -- President Bush welcomed President-Elect Obama into the Oval Office for their historic meeting Monday.
Mr. Bush was quick with formal etiquette and more.
"Can I offer you a loan with your coffee, Mr. Obama?" Mr. Bush said.
"Sure, sir, as long as we can jump ship along with all you in January."
"Ah...heh, heh. Well, friend, what can I say? Back in Texas, we'll buy you a good-size beer to swallow this budget deficit I'm leaving for you all."
WASHINGTON -- President Bush welcomed President-Elect Obama into the Oval Office for their historic meeting Monday.
Mr. Bush was quick with formal etiquette and more.
"Can I offer you a loan with your coffee, Mr. Obama?" Mr. Bush said.
"Sure, sir, as long as we can jump ship along with all you in January."
"Ah...heh, heh. Well, friend, what can I say? Back in Texas, we'll buy you a good-size beer to swallow this budget deficit I'm leaving for you all."
Saturday, November 8, 2008
BARAK OBAMA'S FIRST DIPLOMATIC MEMO TO IRAN
November 9, 2008
Dear President Ahmadinejad,
It was considerate of you to send a letter from your great state of Iran.
I've yet to assume office, but you -- always the sentimental statesman -- quickly take reins. You truly want to wipe disagreements between our nations off the map, I recall.
Let me return the gesture.
My trusted confidant Emanuel -- I'm sure you're familiar -- stepped right up to help. He suggests we unveil a new delicacy at my inaugural table; one that can stimulate our upcoming negotiations.
AHMADEEN-KABOB
Best regards,
Barak Obama
cc: Your ass
Dear President Ahmadinejad,
It was considerate of you to send a letter from your great state of Iran.
I've yet to assume office, but you -- always the sentimental statesman -- quickly take reins. You truly want to wipe disagreements between our nations off the map, I recall.
Let me return the gesture.
My trusted confidant Emanuel -- I'm sure you're familiar -- stepped right up to help. He suggests we unveil a new delicacy at my inaugural table; one that can stimulate our upcoming negotiations.
AHMADEEN-KABOB
Best regards,
Barak Obama
cc: Your ass
Friday, November 7, 2008
PRESIDENT ELECT REVIEWS FULL RESULTS OF ELECTIONS
Friday November 8, 2008
President-Elect Obama sat in his home office looking at California's hopeless budget sheets. He rubbed his forehead in angst. Michelle sauntered in. Obama looked at her exhaustedly.
"Michelle, get the dress back on. Prop 8 passed in California."
-- 30 -- by lurene gisee
President-Elect Obama sat in his home office looking at California's hopeless budget sheets. He rubbed his forehead in angst. Michelle sauntered in. Obama looked at her exhaustedly.
"Michelle, get the dress back on. Prop 8 passed in California."
-- 30 -- by lurene gisee
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
OBAMA GLIDES PAST FIRST CRISIS
Obama's first day in the White House, news arrives on presidential desk:
RUSSIA STATIONS MISSLES NEAR POLAND, JAMS U.S. RADIO SIGNALS
President Obama slams the intercom.
"Emanuel, get in here!"
Emanuel rushes in.
"Get my wife, man."
by lurene gisee at lurenekathleen at yahoo dot com
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