U.S. GOVERNMENT APPOINTS NEW CZAR FOR FOREIGN DISASTERS

"I didn't know we had such a position in the Obama administration, Hot Air. Foreign Disaster Czar? What is this nonsense?" asked Pre-Approved Cat.

"I don't know, but seems like everytime countries like Afghanistan or Pakistan need fresh waves of cash, we give it to them, then a disaster or war comes along, and Pakistanis and Afghanis forget where they put the last pile of cash we threw over. We need to get things straight over there!" said Hot Air Hamster.

"So this monkey is our accountant?" said the cat in shock.

"He's qualified as the rest of 'em," said Hot Air. "Obama says if he can stand on his head, he can darned well balance those books. Obama believes in him."

"Obama? Sure he does," the cat sighed. "You should have heard him in New York yesterday. Someone said they had a 'mosque in New York to sell him,' and he actually bought it!"

"Oh, come on!" laughed Hot Air Hamster.

"I'm telling the TRUTH!" said the cat.


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FECKLESS THE CAT SUES BRITISH PETROLEUM. "THIS CAT FOOD TASTES LIKE SHIT. SOMEONE'S GONNA PAY!"

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ELECTION SHOCK: FECKLESS CAT ELECTED DOG CATCHER IN CALIFORNIA

"Dog catcher?" asked Anvil Dog, glancing at the morning's news headlines. "Feckless Cat is our new dog catcher? I didn't know anyone was running."

"Nobody was until yesterday. It opened up again. They had to put the cat's name on the ballot in some fool way," explained Hot Air Hamster.

"Besides, the position was opening right in time for yesterday's primary election. Feckless Cat had to grab it before Jerry Brown tries for it again. He always wins. I mean, come on! Time flies. How many times have we had this Brown guy in office? We gotta have someone who knows what he's doing in Sacramento, and that's Feckless the Cat," said the hamster.

"Yeah," said Anvil Dog. "I don't need this Brown guy on my back again. He needs to run for something else this time."


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SLIP AND FALL SEA LION CAUGHT IN ARIZONA WITHOUT PAPERS, GOES BACK TO FREELOADIN' 'FRISCO

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FECKLESS CAT RELEASES STATEMENT: "I MIS-MEOWED. MEANT TO SAY 'SHORTIN' VERIZON,' NOT 'SERVED IN VIETNAM.'"

"See, when Slip and Fall Sea Lion had his little fall at the NYSE few days back, I shorted a bunch of Verizon stock, betting that Slip and Fall would work."

"The marine blob did his job, I cleaned up, and now people are all mixed up. They're thinking I claimed to serve in Vietnam. Just wanted to straighten all that out once and for all," said Feckless the Criminal Cat. "So, are we all clear on what happened in the Gulf of Mexico and the price of gold in Arizona and the German stock market now? I'd be more than happy to explain it all again in Farsi or Chinese. All on the same Greek page that way, you know?"


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PRE-APPROVED CAT VISITS CALIFORNIA WELFARE OFFICE FOR PUBLIC ASSISTANCE

"I just don't get it," said a confused Pre-Approved Cat to Feckless Cat, both of them greedy furred criminals wanted in 43 states for various identity theft and Ponzi scams.

"Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...what?" asked Feckless, counting stolen credit cards to himself.

"Walked into the California Welfare Office today. Guy wouldn't take my money."

"Just can't help some folks," said Feckless.


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EVEN FECKLESS THE CAT REJECTS "CLEARANCE SALE" JOB FOR BP's SO-CALLED GULF COAST "2010 SHRIMPIN' ACTION" GOING-OUT-OF-BIZ 75% OFF RACK....OR WHATEVER

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