SUB-PRIME PIGEON ACCEPTS NEW JOB AS MORTGAGE APPLICATION CONSULTANT AT FANNIE MAE, FREDDIE MAC, BERNIE MADE-OFF WITH YOUR STOCKS AND BONDS AND SAVINGS MAC, BIG DEBT MAC, AFFORDABLE SLUM SHACK ON WHAT'S LEFT OF THE MAY 11, 2010 GULF COAST MAC....

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HOT AIR HAMSTER UPDATES MIRANDA FOR NEW YORK'S COPS

Hot Air Hamster finished his writing work. He slid the paper to Feckless the Criminal Cat, who read the revised words out loud.

You have the right to remain silent WHILE WE FINISH TAPING YOUR MOUTH. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law IN SOME RUSSIAN PRISON CAMP. You have the right to an attorney BUT -- HA HA -- I WOULDN'T BOTHER AT THIS POINT, FOOL. If you cannot afford an attorney WHO GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL LAST WEEK IN NORTH KOREA OR CUBA OR AT FAST EDDIE'S LAS VEGAS CORRESPONDENCE COURSE, one will be appointed to you WHEN WE DAMNED WELL GET AROUND TO IT. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you OR DO YOU NEED FURTHER CONVINCING THAT YOU ARE IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE AND WILL PROBABLY SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN JAIL WAITING FOR A SIMPLE COURT DATE?

"That should cover it, Hot Air. I didn't know you had a background in law," said Feckless Cat.

"Oh, I know plenty about law. Been evading it for years," said the rodent.


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SLIP AND FALL SEA LION ADMITS TO LITTLE ACCIDENT AT NYSE KEYBOARDS

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CHEF PASTE PERFORMS CULINARY MIRACLES IN NEW YORK CITY

The fragrant aroma of Cajun spices, stewing tomatoes and extra-strength toilet bowl deodorizer filled the Manhattan penthouse kitchen where Feckless the criminal cat worked alongside a relaxed, beefy Paste the Cat.

Cut the Cat, Paste’s delicate, thieving wife, napped on the counter.

All the cats were committed criminals wanted in 38 U.S. states for identity theft, counterfeiting, bank fraud, money laundering, insider trading and international tax evasion, but all that didn’t matter at the moment.

Today, they were literally cooking up new schemes. They would not dirty their brilliant paws with street crime today.

“Will you cut up those Collateralized Debt Obligations, Sweetheart,” purred Paste sweetly to Cut, his long-time thug spouse.

“Sure, got plenty of them,” said Cut, yawning.

“We’re going to mix them up with a few foreclosed homes and derivatives. All goes together in taste,” said Paste, stirring the ingredients.

“Won’t the Collateralized Debts overpower other flavors?” asked Feckless. "They're all such exclusive ingredients."

“Oh, no. Blended and stir-fried, then mixed with this fine sauce, it’s a delicious Chicken Casserole,” said Paste. “Could you hand me that container?”

Cut passed a container labeled “BP Brand Sea Turtle Sauce” to Paste. Paste sprinkled the heavy, salted Gulf of Mexico crude oil into the mix.

The aroma filled the room.

“So glad the UN is letting us contribute our efforts to world peace. Gives us a chance to take a break from our usual work, get with the right people,” said Feckless. “Our Iranian guests just love this stuff. I mean, New Yorkers can be so rude to Islamic radicals sometimes, you know? I mean, they’re our guests!”




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GOLDMAN KATZ GETS NEW LEADS IN ARIZONA

Goldman Katz, still interviewing with Feckless the Cat -- both of them wanted in multiple states by now for financial fraud and I.D. theft -- sat dejected with his head in his paws.

"Where do I go? What do I do?" he meowed woefully to Feckless Cat at the head of the desk.

"Try Arizona," said Feckless Cat comfortingly. "Get there in the next day or two and you get an illegal burrito, free trip to Mexico City, truckloads of marijuana and still have time to print a couple hundred football fields of phony currency."

"How do I get back to California?" said Goldman Katz, wiping his nose.

"Greyhound," said Feckless. "Bring a girlie magazine. Gets you past all those cop outfits."

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HOT AIR HAMSTER WORKS TODAY'S CROSSWORD PUZZLE

Hot Air Hamster, master of rip-off rodents, decided it was time to relax in Golden Gate Park. He walked over to his newspaper to work a puzzle.

He crawled around at the clues:

1. ACROSS: Gated community with the latest innovations in home security.

4. DOWN: Variety of North American shark, frequently found in Atlantic waters.

"Oh, okay. I get this," said Hot Air Hamster.

He wrote JAIL for 1. ACROSS, LOAN for 4. DOWN.

"I just love these crossword puzzles," thought Hot Air to himself. "I get so many cool new ideas doing them."

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GOLDMAN CATZ APPLIES FOR JOB WITH FECKLESS AND CO.

Feckless the Cat, fraudster wanted in multiple European countries and 27 U.S. states, decided to interview job applicant Goldman Catz, an investment banking feline from New York.

"So, Goldman Kitty, tell me what you did in New York?" asked Feckless calmly, shuffling the papers of the resume in his paws.

"NOTHIN', MAN! I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN', OKAY? I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS IN MY OFFICE AND....BLAM....THERE WAS THE GODDAMNED SEC!"


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