COPYCAT FECKLESS COMPETES WITH KELLOGG; MARKETS NEW CEREAL, DESIGNS BOX FOR "FECKLESS FLAKES: BREAKFAST OF LOSERS"

"What's this latest scam, Feckless Cat?" asked Pre-Approved Cat, both internationally wanted financial criminals for inside trading, stock scams and identity theft. "Why the photo for our new cereal box of grandma being led toward cliff?"

"Because we want the world's kids who couldn't cut it to realize there's a whole new world for them after the Olympics and a breakfast cereal just for them. Our new flakes are for kids not only leading grandma to the cliff, but for puppies that knock on the wrong doors and dead people who bought the wrong plot," said Feckless.

"Kellogg's is leaving the world's future prison residents untapped. Hey! Take it from me! They have money!"

(All photos but the first are from Aug. 13, 2012 Los Angeles Times, reader photos in Strange but True section. First photo from online photo site Fotosearch.) Lurene Gisee lurenekathleen@yahoo.com


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FECKLESS CAT RETURNS FROM TRIP TO LITTER BOX

Pre-Approved Cat, wanted on 3 continents for theft, fraudulent trading and loan sharking, tilted his head in wonder. What was taking Feckless Cat, his criminal feline mentor, so long at the litter box?

Finally, Feckless Cat sauntered into view again. "What were you burying in there today, Feckless? A couple of foreclosed homes or something?"

"No, no, of course not. It was the full faith and credit of the United States," said Feckless, licking his right claw. "Just can't trust our elected officials for this kind of work anymore."



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ANVIL DOG TAKES OVER MATH DEPARTMENTS FOR SEATTLE SCHOOLS

Anvil Dog, who had an IQ of 1, if that even, decided to accept the Seattle School District's job offer and teach math to the city's 5th grade kids. He wanted a post as English teacher, but administrators wisely concluded he was obviously better at math than English; Anvil kept bragging that he was qualified because knew how to pronounce "ruff, ruff" in Russian.

Here were some of his problems that would be on blackboard for first day of class:

Q: If Ms. Jones makes $1,400 per week teaching American history, Mr. Smith makes twice that amount per week teaching art, and Mrs. Carter makes three times the sum Ms. Jones earns, but only twice weekly, how much did Seattle's School District pay their attorneys last May?

Q: If the Seattle lumber mill cut one tree into 4 sections of equal length, and that tree was 20 feet long, how much money did Ms. Jones deposit in her bank account last Wednesday, and on which of the Cayman Islands?

This question for our top math students:

Q: If Mr. Smith makes $40 per hour as a physics and inside trading instructor, what does he get per hour after Seattle contract negotiations if 7,956 toothpicks were divided by .694 cans of beer in Fargo, North Dakota in January of 2004 after he buys a lot of stock for phony cat food companies in Mexico?

FECKLESS FELINE PICNIC BRINGS UNINVITED GUEST: OILSPILL CAT

"I've seen the world, am worn out," said OilSpill Cat. "I had to get a new job."

"I can see that, OilSpill. You're all over the world's commodity markets this morning," Feckless Cat answered his cousin with a frown. "But you could have tipped us off this time. We could'a been killin' a lot more than Gulf birds and fish this time, fool."

FECKLESS CAT AND ANVIL DOG TRADE INSULTS ON FILLMORE STREET

Feckless the Cat, criminal wanted in 22 countries for price fixing and international trade schemes, was on Fillmore Street in San Francisco's Pacific Heights neighborhood getting his weekly pedipawcure.

Anvil Dog, his fool accomplice in crime, sauntered into the swanky cat salon with pack of phony passports, stolen currency and gold bars. "Here you go, Feckless. Just as you ordered. Want to take a look?"

"Here? You want to get caught or something? All kinds of pedestrians out on Sundays that'll see us. I think sometimes you were born yesterday, dog."

"I won't take insults like that, Feckless. Take that back!"

"Okay, I am sorry. When were you born?"

Anvil raised his furry chin with pride. "Late last week."

FECKLESS CAT'S TWIN SISTER, CLUELESS CAT, RETURNS FROM "PROMISED LAND" MAD, BROKE AND LAUGHING STOCK OF SF

Photo by Howard Ford

FECKLESS CAT AND CRIMINAL FRIENDS INTRODUCE NEW CAT FOODS

Feckless and Pre-Approved Cats, wanted in 26 states for currency fraud and retail theft, decided to manufacture a new brand of canned cat food. Named D.C. CAT, it was supposed to be suited for today's modern cat, whatever his family's income. It appeared on New York store shelves May 16, 2011.

"What's the first variety, Pre-Approved? The one for wealthier felines?" asked Feckless, licking his right paw.

"Savory Salmon Blend," answered Pre-Approved Cat. "Ingredients of fresh, Washington State salmon, vitamins, and fur-enhancing cremes from Northern Europe."

"How about the slightly cheaper variety?"

"Yummy sardines, chicken, canola oils."

"What about the cheap stuff? I am not sure it will sell in some markets," Feckless remarked bluntly.

"Doesn't matter if it will sell. It's gonna be only choice for a lot of cats next week. Ingredients in Chinese for this one. Label reads, 'At this price, your guess as good as mine.'"

"Who buys this crap?" asked Feckless. "What's D.C. CAT stand for?"

"DEBT CEILING CAT. Getting real popular with Democrats right off," answered Pre-Approved.